A Man of the People

 I spent the last week working in a job that I never thought I would attempt in my life and not only because they are probably the most annoying people on this planet but because I've always been a bit phone shy. That's right, in the chase for the almighty dollar (or pound in this case) I have started work in a call centre. I persistently dial people and read from a generic script to try and gather feedback on behalf of a bank who almost certainly won't change a single thing for it's customers unless it helps their cash flow. The job itself was as boring as anything I have ever undertaken and as a part time painter and decorator I can honestly say I prefer to watch paint dry. What did get me through the week however were the people that I worked with, my temporary colleagues.
 I have never had a problem socialising with people as I am much happier when I am around friends. At Uni i would happily sit in the front room playing the Xbox whilst my housemates buzzed around me doing their own thing. We may not even speak to each other in a couple of hours but the presence of a close friend around you makes everything seem that much more entertaining.
 I have friends from all walks of life, whether they went to Uni or they started work at a young age, whether they are barely out of their teens or middle aged I don't have a problem conversing with almost anyone. As long as you have good intentions I would like to think I would give you the time of day. What was a little surprising to me was when one of the other temporary employees I was working with confided to me that he was struggling to mingle with everyone apart from myself. He even admitted that he sounded a little arrogant but felt that as we were the only University graduates he could only really talk to me. I was a little taken aback by this as I presumed as I got on with him as well as I did the others that they would naturally get on as well. It wasn't so. From our conversations at work he seems like a genuine person who doesn't mean anyone any harm but I did find him a little harder to talk to after he admitted to feeling superior to some of the others. I am a little ashamed that I didn't stick up for the others. Granted I didn't agree with him but I wasn't vocal about their positive attributes either, I simple tried to let the comment slide by.
 I'd like to say that I've never purposely excluded anyone out of a feeling of being better than them but it would probably be a lie. I honestly don't think myself better than anyone, especially not for being a graduate. Some of the nicest and funniest people I have ever met were labourers, painters or other tradesman. These 'salt of the earth' people I actually find easier to talk to as they hold no reservations about offering their friendship. It doesn't matter to them what class of degree you achieved or how many accolades you can type onto your CV. As long as you are sincere I have found the people will respond to you. I know first hand how this perceived 'superiority complex' can damage a friendship. My two best friends have drifted apart since one of them went to Uni and the other stayed at home to work. I don't think any less of either of them for their choices but there has been a palpable tension between them ever since. Again I find myself perplexed at this as I have not encountered any such shift in the relationship with either so can't understand why there seems to be this gap between them. Social divides may not be as prominent as years past but I have found that there is a definite chasm between graduates and those who didn't attend higher education.
 For me this is a huge shame. They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, personally I would prefer to walk into the fiery abyss with the genuine people than spend an eternity with pompous and conceited achievers. At the end of the day, it isn't what you achieve that defines you but how you are as a person.  

Takes Money to Make Money

 Of all the age old adages that you hear on an almost daily basis none is more true than 'it takes money to make money.' I find myself in the highly frustrating situation of having no cash flow in which to invest to obtain a cash flow. For example, I recently booked myself onto a course to obtain my SIA in Door Supervision licence. Being a doorman may not be the most glamorous job in the world but it pays the bills, or it will do after I've paid off the hefty fees for the course and the licence. To compound matters. not only have I been asked to fork out for the privilege of escorting inebriated idiots from rancid smelling clubs, I'm not actually guaranteed a job. I've never been much of a gambling man but it seems that in the 'real' world everything requires a stake. Too bad I'm the short stack.
 If it's not obtaining a licence or attending some course then you are expected to splash out for your own equipment. In the current economic climate companies nationwide are exploring every avenue in an attempt to protect their precious money.
 Being a graduate trying to find a position within a highly competitive industry I will also have the delightful experience of being an intern. I appreciate the fact that a lot of people will have to endure this process but I still struggle to comprehend the concept of working bot just for free but possibly with no reimbursement for travel. The fact that people, including myself, may potentially have to spend money to work make me seriously consider whether I have fallen into a parallel universe. What's even worse is the fact that I am now expected to pay taxes. The more I will earn the more the government wants to take off of me.
 I guess there is some karmic justice to this. Perhaps God, Vishnu or Allah is repaying me for lounging around at University for four years squandering the tax payers money on alcohol and gym supplements. If life is a gamble I have spent the last few years playing with the house's money. What I forgot was the fact that the house always wins.    

Fearing to Fly

 Michael Jordan once said; "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." Fair play to the man, he is a legend in his field and deserves all the credit for his glittering career. It's easier however to be so philosophical after you've handcrafted your own legacy. For Joe Bloggs the fear of failing is a palpable presence that clips our metaphorical wings quite neatly.
 I have passed on countless potentially rewarding opportunities, both academic and personal, through fear. Personally there is nothing more humiliating than a public display of inadequacy. In my mind whenever I make a simple slip up, one that the gross percentage of the population has endured themselves, I am instantly appalled at myself. How could I ever live down such complete humiliation? I'm an embarrassment to myself and my family name will be forever tarnished. In reality it is never that severe, in fact any witness to said catastrophe probably won't remember it past their next meal. Even if they do possess an elephant's recollective abilities it's normally easy to laugh off the light hearted ridicule. This fear of failure does have more serious consequences however.
 So deep rooted is my need to look competent and composed at all times I find it incredibly difficult to take risks. The thought of putting myself out there and being shot down is too horrendous to consider. Even writing this blog was a torment. What if the virtual world rejected me once my inner most thoughts were put on display? My fear of rejection is so bad that I had to ensure, via the drunken phone call medium, that my girlfriend would say yes to me before I dared to ask her out. Not the most romantic courting process but god forbid that I took that leap and found myself plunging to my death.
 I'm constantly waging an inner war whether to attempt new things. On the one hand I could succeed and go on to have an enjoyable experience. On the other hand it could end up in complete and total devastation or yours truly. The embarrassment could be so bad that the ground would literally open up and swallow me whole.
 I'm sure there are plenty of people who feel the same way. People who have missed out on the best life has to offer because that damnable emotion called fear has held them back. I know it has me.
 My only advice to said people is to try and power through. Keep your targets in sight and dive into life, hell to the consequences. So what if you fail? It's not going to be the end of the world. After all, life is too short. I only hope that I can follow my own advice.

Multiple Personality Disorder

 Multiple personality disorder is described is an extremely rare mental disorder characterised by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person's behaviour. I'm not saying that I have any such condition but I feel that I do, along with most of the people on this fair planet, display a certain level of character change. A lot of people may not admit it but everyone, to a certain extent, acts how they feel they should act or will behave in a way that will make them accepted by the masses. I myself am guilty of this to quite an extreme level. 
 Whilst I was at Uni I was pulled into the 'lads' lifestyle. I drank a lot, I hit the gym hard and I indulged myself in the esteem destroying humour that we dub 'banter'. At first I was conscious of the fakery I was involved in, I was still myself but I was acting this way to garner the approval of the people I was socialising with. As time wore on I actually found myself enjoying this lifestyle and it became who I was. Unfortunately this rather more brutish personality meant I became rather conceited and arrogant, a thing that wasn't the least bit shameful then but is a cause for embarrassment now. This 'ladish' side of me is something that is strongly pushed down when around my girlfriend's family and other such acquaintances that may not have a vocal objection to this behaviour but would be less than thrilled with it. That doesn't mean to say that when I am around these people that I am not myself, simply a more toned down and reserved version. The most notable change in myself is when I mingle with my older brother and his friends. Over the years I have built up a reputation for being a little bit wild and not altogether seemly. In fact I have been described, on more than one occasion, as the 'weirdest person I have ever met'. When around this certain group of people I revel in voicing taboo opinions and displaying a wilder side of myself. This has continued for a while as it is now expected that I behave as such. It would be a disappointment if I simply sat quietly and enjoyed my drink. No, for the sake of the groups entertainment, I will deliver a performance of such comedic tomfoolery I closely resemble a jester at King's court. Depending on the situation, the crowd and the environment you can act in an almost infinite amount of ways. For years I struggles with this. I always wanted to fit in, I loved to be loved and to do so I would act in anyway that I thought people would respond best to. Now it comes a lot more naturally and I have accepted that as a species we camouflage ourselves as well as the chameleon. You do it, your friends do it, even your parents do it. It is a rare person who doesn't change a single aspect of his ratio when around you to suit the personality you have displayed before them. At the end of the day it is natural to do so and nothing to be ashamed of. Why wouldn't you be the person that people want you to be. So long as you don't jeopardise your individuality.     

Summer Sadness- Dealing with leaving Uni

 Now that the summer is officially over and all the baby faced freshers have moved into halls it has finally dawned on me. The life changing thought that every third year student has pushed to the back of the mind has finally reared it's ugly head. I'm in the real world.
 University life is so sheltered you are rarely confronted with any major incident that a quick phone call home or a few pints at the Union wouldn't solve. Ok, there are the stresses of having to turn up to lectures a few hours a week and the fact that probably for the first time in your life you actually have to sort out your own bills and cook your own food. Big whoop!!! When you finally finish Uni and you're staring down the barrel of the huge gun that is life you realise that any of the problems you may have suffered whilst studying are like a walk in the park compared to the complexities of running your whole life.
 I'm not ashamed to admit that when I left Uni and I got home, my family dumping me off at my brother's empty flat, the collection of friends I had gathered over years of socialising scattered in the wind, I was very emotional. Not one to hide my feelings normally, I shut the door to my family, sat on my bed and cried. That's right. I, Courtney Frazer-Bates, the six foot four gym enthusiast who has been seen in multiple clubs and bars boozing and dancing without a care in the world, cried. I'm sure many Graduates have done so upon leaving their old lives behind, facing the prospect of a nine-to-five job in a crappy office surrounded by stale old men in drab suits.
 In my case, as it may be for many out there, I had indulged myself heavily in the Uni lifestyle, most of my friends were made at Uni and I had neglected people from my hometown, eagerly anticipating my return whenever a break meant I was back home. So when I was dropped of and sat alone in my room, for the first time in four years I realised that I was alone. I could have picked up the phone and rang some of my friends to try and fill the gaping void that was in the pit of my stomach but I realised no matter how much mobile phone or laptop communication I involved myself in, those people I had come to rely so much on were not there anymore. Going from living with four of your closest friends to being virtually alone is a depressing feeling and it took me a long time to get over it. Couple that with the feeling of insecurity and lack of prospects that can come when you leave the structured education system and I was left feeling down in the dumps.
 To anyone out there who is feeling the same there is light at the end of the tunnel. The truth is you simply aren't going to have as much fun as you did at Uni, you can't party all night, sleep all day and repeat. The joys of a real world existence come from what you achieve. Personally, I have been working on my driving licence and searching for internships in the city to give myself something to strive for. The loving presence of my girlfriend always helps, knowing that someone is there for you no matter what is imperative to getting on when the tasks facing you seem so daunting. My advice to any graduates that have recently left Uni is to immerse yourself in everything around you, try new things, meet new people and grasp those opportunities that arise, you may not feel like anything will sustain your happiness but believe me it does get better. Just don't bottle it up, trust me. I went that route and it left me with a horrible feeling in my stomach and a sour taste in my mouth. Talk to those around you and tell them how you a re felling.
 When I broke down in front of my parents I was initially ashamed, thinking myself weak and pathetic but they got me through it and even managed to show me the prospects I had in front of me. I was a University graduate, I may never take the world by storm and my name may never be up in lights but with a degree I have still set myself up to succeed in the real world. All in all, I do still miss University. I miss 'smoking' with my friends and eating Domino;s Two-for-Tuesday. I miss Purple Wednesdays and Tiger Mondays but the simple truth is I have had my time. The same goes for anyone else who has recently graduated. A trip back to see your chums and a good night out full of nostalgic memories is fine but if you are searching for long term happiness you have to move one and look for new challenges. I will leave you with a simple idea. Life isn't that bad.